“Iranian military commander tells Obama ‘all options are on the table’” Raw Story, March 16, 2013

“’All options are on the table’ in dealing with Iran,” Obama said, CBS News, March 20, 2013

“’All options are on the table,’” President Obama on Syria, USA Today, June 1, 2013

“’All options are on the table,’ Israeli Deputy Minister of Defense Danny Danon warned,” WND, November 24, 2013

First, there’s the pity for all those coffee tables in government offices all over the world, groaning under the weight of all those options piled on top of them over and over.

Then there are those blank stares and empty eyes when the options are mentioned or read, again and again.

Finally, there are the DC think tank boys and girls, telling us every time what those options might be and ranking them like running shoes or colleges.

For Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa this year, let’s finally get the options off the tables and instead provide readers and watchers of the news with a one-fits-all translation of options on the table: “We don’t know what we’re going to do, if anything, but if one of our people comes up with a decent half-baked notion, we’ll leak it to you.”

Even better, governments could hire a Sergeant Schultz-like spokesperson, who could, as he did on “Hogan’s Heroes”—proclaim when asked about all the options on the table: “I know nozzink.” Or, ”We know nozzink.”

And then, wherever news shows are watched, a chorus of “Ah, I now I get it,” might rise up and understanding would spread among newsies around the world.

And on the coffee tables there would be room for cookies and holiday cheer.